The Last of the Soyuz Class
by SadaraLochlan
Summary: With an unexpected duty of transporting a Vulcan delegation to a rendezvous with the Enterprise, Captain Sadara Lochlan and the Aries face more surprises with the arrival of Klingon Birds of Prey.
1. Aries

Commander Christopher Janeway entered the observation deck of the USS Aries. It was approaching ship's night; and the lights were dimmed so that he could barely make out the graceful silhouette of his captain, Sadara Lochlan in the corner, gazing pensively out at the stars and sipping a mug of hot chocolate. She was the only starship captain he'd ever served with who eschewed coffee. "Never acquired the taste for it and I refuse to be caught stranded on some planet for a week and be unable to function without it," she had said.

He hadn't been surprised to find her here; the observation deck was her refuge when she found herself troubled. He stopped just inside the doorway as the door swooshed closed behind him and remained there quietly with his hands clasped behind his back. He knew she was aware of his presence, but she hadn't yet strayed away from whatever course her thoughts had taken her. He studied her profile from where he stood. Even lounging in a chair, she appeared larger than life; alert and fully in command of both herself and this aging Soyuz class boarder cutter.

After what seemed an eternity, Lochlan turned her head to face her First Officer from across the room, a smirk tugging at her lips and mischief dancing in her dark blue eyes. "Join me, Commander. I won't bite. Much."

A bright and genuine smile finally broke through the red headed commander's military bearing as he bridged the gulf between them to lower himself into the cushy chair to her left.

"The Vulcan delegation has settled in, Captain. We are scheduled to rendezvous with the Enterprise at 0900 hours tomorrow."

Her left hand reached out and Janeway took it firmly, but gently. "Thank you for handling that," she said gratefully. "We're not used to ferrying diplomatic delegations around much on this old warhorse, are we? This was the only ship able to rendezvous with the big E in time though. That said I do feel I've gone into hiding a little bit since they arrived. I've been sitting here contemplating that."

"You made it through dinner," he pointed out, humor lighting up his aqua blue eyes, then the seriousness crept in. "I know that you're not very comfortable around Vulcans, but you've never really explained why. Care to talk about it?"

Lochlan nodded. I am what the Vulcans consider V'tosh Ka'tur or "Vulcans without logic." It is not an entirely accurate description. Most who are considered V'tosh Ka'tur embrace logic, but not to the complete exclusion of all emotion. They believe both have a place in the person's life and I concur, though how successful I've been over the years is open to debate. Most of these people are ostracized from Vulcan society and are shunned by their families. Admittedly, I favor my human half much more so than my Vulcan half. Despite their long history of space exploration and first contact with alien races, Vulcans can be… xenophobic and intolerant in a lot of ways. Surak forbid that alien beliefs, ideas, and emotions penetrate that logical little bubble they live in."

Setting her mug of hot chocolate gently on the table behind her, the captain of the Aries rose from her chair and crossed the few short steps to lean against one of the windows, peering out again into the depths of space. Her reflection stared back at her as the stars streaked by. She had recently chopped off her long, chocolate brown tresses in favor of a shoulder length, stick straight, inverted bob and she was still getting used to it. Commander Janeway thought the new cut suited her more than her long hair had. The straight, inverted bob was edgier and reflected her bold, more impulsive nature better than the reserved, uptight french twist she had worn before.

"It's uncomfortable for me to be around Vulcans because I understand they don't consider me one of them. I feel judged by them. Captain Spock is barely considered one of them and he follows the Vulcan way. We're not valued by Vulcan society in the same way as full Vulcans; even less for me than Spock, though he and I have spoken before about the prejudices we've faced in our lives. He has, in many ways, been the victim of worse prejudice than I have. Still, being rejected by the entire Vulcan race simply because I don't believe as they do is painful. I still have family there. Half of my heritage, ancestors, cultural beliefs and whatnot, come from Vulcan. In some ways I feel like I've been denied half of myself, but then I remind myself that just because I'm an outcast among Vulcans doesn't mean there aren't aspects of my Vulcan heritage I can't utilize or enjoy."

Commander Janeway sat forward, his hands folded, elbows resting on his knees as he listened to her. "I must admit I'm surprised the Vulcans would have such an extreme reaction to you and I'm sorry that happened to you. I wish I had something more constructive to offer." He pondered some more. "Well, you have the doctorate in Psychology. If our positions were reversed, what would you say to me?"

A rueful chuckle erupted from Lochlan as her head fell back and she gazed at the ceiling, rubbing her shoulders in thought. "I would ask the client if he could clarify what exactly about the Vulcans' presence caused the discomfort. In my case, that is definitely a fear of being judged, which indicates that I still have some work to do in learning how not to care about the opinions of others, especially others who care so little about me."

Janeway grinned. "Oh you don't seem to have that problem with others; just Vulcans. So why not beat the Vulcans at their own game? After all, it's hardly logical to worry about the opinions of others. If you're ostracized from Vulcan society already, being yourself isn't going to do any further harm. I'd even say have fun with them."

This time Sadara laughed out loud. "You are right, of course, Chris. I guess I really thought I'd worked this all out years ago. Something about having the Vulcan delegation aboard brought it all back. I'll have to see if I can put your evil little idea into practice tomorrow."

"Well, no time like the present."

"Oh, not tonight, Commander," Lochlan smirked with amusement as she stood up straight. "It is getting late and I'm planning on-"

She was cut off abruptly and thrown off balance as the ship rocked suddenly and the red alert klaxon began blaring all around them. Commander Janeway instinctively gripped the edge of the table behind him. Both frowned at each other, surprise still written over their features as they both started for the door.

"Bridge to Captain Lochlan. A Klingon Bird of Prey has decloaked off the port bow and is attacking." Lochlan detected an understandable amount of nervousness in her young helm officer, Lieutenant Catalina Castillo's high pitched voice.

Lochlan punched the comm button on the wall next to the door to the observation lounge. "Continue returning fire. We're on our way."

Captain Lochlan and Commander Janeway arrived on the bridge moments later. "Damage report!" Lochlan called out as she dropped herself in the command chair.

"Moderate damage to our forward shields," Lieutenant Castillo responded loudly over the red alert klaxon.

Lochlan turned to her First Officer and grimaced as her sensitive Vulcan ears found the blaring klaxon to be acutely aggravating. "I'd really love to know what the Klingons are doing here. What is the status of the Klingon vessel? And will somebody turn that damned klaxon off?!"

The klaxon was finally silenced as Commander Janeway turned away from his console to face his Captain. "The Klingon vessel has sustained moderate structural damage to their primary hull."

"Target their propulsion and weapons systems. I have a full diplomatic delegation on board and I don't want a prolonged battle with these assclowns." Lochlan gripped the armrests of her chair as the ship rocked again under another barrage of weapons fire.

"Captain, I'm picking up two more Klingon Birds of Prey converging on our position," her security chief, Lieutenant Commander Solkar informed her with his typically Vulcan stoicism.

At the news, Captain Lochlan's own face had molded itself into an atypically impassive expression as well. "Time to intercept?"

Solkar checked his console. "They'll be within weapons range in 64.5 seconds.

Lochlan considered the situation before her briefly. "Signal the nearest starship we need assistance. Has our friend out there been set adrift yet?"

"We've knocked out their weapons, Captain, but she's still maneuverable."

"Target their engineering section and maintain fire. Helm, set a course for that M class planet. I'm hoping the atmosphere will blind their sensors and buy us some time."

Castillo turned to face her superior officer. "Captain, is it necessary to continue firing on a vessel that can't fire back?"

"I wish it wasn't, Lieutenant, but Klingons are often enthusiastic about going to Sto Vo Kor. They may be willing to use their ship as a weapon since they can't fire at the moment and we have two fully operational Klingon ships about to join the festivities."

"Yes, ma'am," Castillo said, still not completely in agreement as she turned back to her console and punched in the new coordinates. She exchanged an uncertain glance with the communications officer, Nabuo Sasaki who met her coffee brown eyes briefly before turning toward the center seat.

"Captain, the Enterprise has responded, but she's about 30 minutes away at maximum warp."

"Understood, Lieutenant."

Sparks flew and smoke billowed around the bridge as the Aries shook under fire from the new arrivals. Sasaki was thrown from his chair and slid a few feet across the bridge before being helped up by Solkar. He nodded up at him gratefully and returned to his post, checking for anything further from the Enterprise.

The Aries lashed out with phaser fire one last time on the first Klingon vessel; this time tearing a wide gash in the hull near the engineering section.

Solkar took in the readings and then peered up at the viewscreen intently. "Captain, I recommend we move away from the first Klingon vessel. I'm reading an energy buildup in the engineering section."

"How long before she blows?"

"About 15 seconds."

"Hold position for another 10 seconds and then jump to warp. Arm aft torpedos and target the derelict ship. I'm hoping the other vessels will be dumb enough to follow and cross over that ship right as she blows."

Damage reports began coming in shipwide as the two Klingon battle ships continued firing on the old Starfleet boarder cutter. "Captain, we have a hull rupture near engineering. Containment fields in place and holding. Aft shields are buckling. Sickbay is reporting casualties." Janeway called out over the noise as the ship bucked yet again under continued phaser fire.

"Warp speed now, helm!" Lochlan called out.

Castillo grinned and punched in the necessary commands. "Warp speed, ma'am!"

The Aries hesitated for only the briefest second before jumping to warp.

"Aft torpedos away," Solkar said calmly.

The bridge crew collectively held their breath as they watched the aft view on the viewscreen. The torpedos sailed away from the Aries toward their destiny with the derelict Klingon Bird of Prey.

"Captain, one of the Klingon ships is pursuing." Solkar informed her, one eyebrow raised in mild surprise.

Lochlan smirked. "Surprise, surprise."

Castillo kept starting at the main viewscreen, anticipating the explosion. "Come on, come on." Then the viewscreen lit up with the much anticipated detonation and several members of the bridge crew raised their arms up to shield their eyes.

"Two Klingon Birds of Prey have been destroyed," Solkar stated matter of factly. "The other vessel is pursuing, but appears uncharacteristically cautious."

"I'd like to appear derelict ourselves." Lochlan punched a button on her chair console. "Engineering, I want to generate some false readings. We're going to give the Klingon vessel out there the wrong impression. Let's look more banged up then we are."

Chief Engineer, Kathleen Bradley grinned with delight. "You're evil, Captain. One fake antimatter containment loss coming right up."

"Okay helm, let's look adrift. Lock phasers on target and await my order to fire."

"Yes, ma'am," Castillo nodded as she concentrated on her board. The Aries began floating in space, occasionally rolling over, and wobbling with no direction in life.

"You know, they're either going to continue firing or try to board us…," Sasaki mumbled, not seeing where their captain's plan was headed.

Lochlan ignored her. Perhaps she'd missed the part about the phasers.

Solkar continued monitoring the enemy ship. "The enemy vessel is converging on our position. Time to intercept is 10 seconds. They are charging weapons, Captain."

"Not what I was hoping for, but alright. Target their weapons systems and fire!"

"Direct hit. Moderate damage. They are firing on us."

The bridge smelled of smoke and charred wiring as sparks flew and smoke billowed again. Commander Janeway jumped back from the science console as it overloaded and fried. Lochlan turned momentarily to survey the damage as Janeway shook his head grimly.

"Turn the ship to face them, helm."

"Yes, ma'am."

"Bridge, this is engineering. We have a coolant leak down here! Attempting to stabilize, but we may have to dump the core if we lose antimatter containment!"

"Understood. Keep targeting their weapons systems!"

Lochlan gripped her chair again as her aging ship continued bucking and groaning under the constant barrage of weapons fire.

"Captain," Bradley's voice filled the bridge again. "We're losing antimatter containment. I can't stop it. We have to dump the core."

"Helm, bring us to within 500 meters of Klingon vessel and dump the core, then detonate it. We're going to try to take this one out the same way we did the last two."

The Aries responded sluggishly, but with determination as her helmsman maneuvered her into position near the Klingon vessel. The Klingons for their part were so focused on the glory of destroying a Federation vessel that they had forgotten the resourcefulness of its crew.

"Ejecting the warp core!" Bradley said.

"Brace yourselves! Torpedos away!" Lochlan called. "Full impulse power, helm. Let's get as far away as we can."

Lochlan knew they wouldn't get out of range of the aftershock as close as they were to detonation of the warp core, but the ship would make a valiant effort anyway. With any luck they'd survive the ride.

The exploding warp core belched out an aftershock that swiftly overtook both ships and propelled them in opposite directions.

"Reverse thrusters! Try and slow us down a bit."

"Helm is not responding and we're headed for that M class planet right in front of us!" Castillo now seemed a bit panicked. "We're on a collision course."

"Status of the Klingon vessel?" Lochlan asked as she processed Castillo's report.

"The Klingon vessel has not been destroyed, but it has been neutralized for the moment," Solkar's voice was quiet.

"Is the planet populated?"

"There is a population of approximately 500, 000, captain."

Lochlan turned her chair to face her first officer. "I'm not crash landing this ship with a full complement aboard. I want you to evacuate the ship. Stay with the diplomatic delegation personally and set a course to rendezvous with the Enterprise as long as it appears safe to do so. If it doesn't, return to the planet and land. I'm going to stay behind and try to land the Aries in an unpopulated area."

Janeway's blue eyes widened with horror. "Sadara, you can't be…"

"That's an order, Commander! Clear the bridge; proceed to shuttles and escape pods."

Janeway cast a lingering look at his captain as she gave the order over comm to the rest of the crew. As the last of the bridge crew filed into the turbolift, she turned toward him, rising from the captain's chair with a mischievous smile. "Relax Chris, my human half is Irish."

The last thing Janeway saw as the turbolift doors whisking shut in front of him was his captain settling herself at the helm console. He tried not to dwell too long on the feeling it might be the last time he saw her alive.

TBC


	2. The Needs of the Many

**_I will attempt to have some Sadara/Vulcan interaction on the next update; hopefully in the next day or two._**

Commander Janeway remained in the pilot's seat of the Tycho and repeatedly (and obsessive compulsively some crewmembers might add about the reserved first officer) scanned the derelict Klingon ship as the shuttle warped at a mere warp two to rendezvous with the Enterprise A. It kept him occupied, but he still found it difficult to draw his mind completely away from the fruitless fretting about what had become of the Aries and his captain.

The red headed XO's peripheral vision detected the dignified presence of Ambassador Sarek dropping his tall frame and billowing, ornate Vulcan robes into the seat to his left. The legendary diplomat regarded the much younger Human with a knowing look. Years of marriage to a Human and even more years experience with Humans in general had give Sarek an insight into Humans that most Vulcans didn't. Despite being an intimidating presence with his apparently effortless calm, Commander Janeway couldn't deny that it was also a comforting presence.

Pausing his scan, Janeway swiveled his chair to face the Ambassador. It would have been impolite to ignore him.

"Yes, I'm stewing about things I can't do anything about right now," Janeway smirked slightly. "Well I could, but to turn back to that planet with a diplomatic delegation aboard just to find out if Sadara is still alive would be asinine as she'd put it. The Enterprise will have to investigate anyway so…" He shrugged helplessly. "And usually I'm considered the patient one."

They sat in silence for a moment; the chatter of the other Vulcans in the background filtering toward the front of the shuttle.

"You know what I can't stop wondering about though?" Janeway tapped a few buttons on the console next to him, checking the rendezvous time with the Enterprise. "Would I feel as cowardly abandoning a male captain on that doomed ship as a I do a female one because I feel like a total ass right now. I get that she's twice as strong as I am and twice as smart, but… she's a woman."

That earned him a raised eyebrow from the graying Vulcan.

"I suspect if she wished to be treated with more consideration as a woman she would have chosen a different career. And while Starfleet is not intended as a military organization, the chain of command is essential to order. It is illogical to waste time in such self doubt and self recrimination. She earned her rank and position. It is a greater insult to her to act on what you consider moral, gallant impulses that are counterproductive in the current situation rather than respect her and the authority she has earned. She attempted to save as many lives as she could with her decisions. It is immaterial whether or not those decisions were made by a male or female."

The young commander was silent for a moment as he digested that. After a moment he nodded in understanding and he let out a deep sigh of relief.

"You know what, you're right. And thank you. I needed the different perspective. I guess I'm proof that humans still have a ways to go to achieving true gender equality."

Rising gracefully, Ambassador Sarek gave a brief nod and folding his arms in from of him again, swept to the back of the shuttle to join the other diplomats once again.

W^^^W^^^W

Picking herself up off the floor of the now demolished bridge of the Aries, Sadara whistled in amazement at the carnage. She had been thrown from the helm at some point after impact, though at the moment she really didn't care when. None of the consoles were functioning which she expected but was still unnerved by. There was no telling if something explosive was building up in engineering or wherever so the immediate mission was to find her way out of what was left of the Aries. She anticipated the Enterprise would arrive in minutes, but it wasn't her to wait around like some damsel in distress. Hopefully the shuttles with her crew had already been taken aboard Starfleet's flagship.

_Of all days to be in a tight skirt and heels,_ she whined inwardly. She really only had herself to blame; she loved skirts and still couldn't bring herself to eschew them in favor of pants.

The domed window above the bridge had shattered and that made it the closet exit if only she could devise a way up there with what was available amidst the destruction. She could attempt to exit out an airlock or shuttlebay providing the ship's structure held up well enough for her to get out that way. It was more likely that enough bulkheads collapsed along those routes to prevent her from reaching those areas of the ship.

_Next time I'm keeping a pair of antigravity boots on the bridge…_

W^^^W^^^W

"Mr. Chekov, you have the con. Spock, you're with me," Captain James T. Kirk jumped up from the captain's chair barking orders and bounded for the turbolift. "Once all the shuttles from the Aries are aboard set a course for the planet the Aries crashed on at the safest possible speed. And keep a close eye on that Klingon ship. Uhura, have Dr. McCoy meet us in the shuttle bay."

"Aye, keptin!"

"Right away, sir."

W^^^W^^^W

Commander Janeway exited the shuttlecraft behind the Vulcan diplomatic delegation. A few members of the Enterprise's security complement escorted the Vulcans to guest quarters with the exception of Ambassador Sarek who remained behind to assist as well as to visit with his son, Spock time permitting.

Christopher Janeway swallowed hard as he approached the legendary, but irascible looking Captain Kirk. The Aries' XO could hardly blame him; Sadara was Kirk's wife and for the moment her fate was unknown and Janeway had no information on that score either.

"Captain Kirk," Janeway nodded respectfully at Kirk's expectant look. "Captain Lochlan remained aboard the Aries hoping to land it in an unpopulated area of the fifth planet. I have no heard from her and to my knowledge, neither have anyone else among the crew. I'll have a full report ready for you after I've punched my ticket in sickbay as per regulations."

At this Dr. Leonard McCoy's face brightened in amazement. "Imagine that! A senior officer not trying to buck regulations and evade sickbay!"

Spock's only response to that was a raised eyebrow.

"Evading sickbay is near impossible aboard the Aries. Our CMO is Betazoid, doctor. The captain thought her Vulcan shields would save her from his telepathic abilities, but he is quite clever and found a way to tag her so she couldn't sneak out of sickbay without him knowing about it. They've been trying to outwit each other ever since."

That knowledge only served to brighten the aging doctor's bright blue eyes. "Sounds like a man I need to meet…"

W^^^W^^^W

The Enterprise A dropped speed to standard orbital approach and sensors quickly located the wreckage of the Soyus class Aries.

"Visual," Kirk called. His hazel eyes widened in disbelief as he took in the image before him.

"That's a cryin' shame," Scotty muttered from behind the captain's chair. "Poor ol' lass…" Leave it to Scotty to feel for the wreckage of an old starship.

"Life signs," Kirk called, swiveling his chair toward Spock.

"One, Vulcan life signs," Spock said, meeting Kirk's eyes. "And it appears she was successful in putting the Aries down in an unpopulated region of the planet."

"Have the transporter room beam her to sickbay and alert McCoy. I'm going down there."

W^^^W^^^W

Kirk arrived in sickbay to find Lochlan propped up on a biobed. She was eyeing McCoy with weary resignation as he ran through the various mandatory examinations; obviously itching to check on her crew.

"They're all fine," Kirk smirked with some amusement as he approached her, knowing full well what was on his wife's mind.

"I'm a starship captain. I can't take your word for that," she joked as he leaned down for a light kiss and took her much smaller hand gently in his.

"So uh, had a run in with the Klingons huh?" Kirk smirked, jerking his head toward the direction of the derelict Klingon Bird of Prey.

"Yeah. And I'm insulted by the fact they only sent three Birds of Prey. Next time they'll take me seriously." It was a joke to be certain, but Kirk could hear the self deprecation in it. Sadara Lochlan was not at all amused by the situation or the loss of her first command. He could sympathize. He'd felt a similar loss when he'd destroyed his beloved Enterprise over the Genesis Planet. That she could joke about it warmed his heart though. He knew how hard she could be on herself.

"That was a damned good ship they wrecked. They don't make them like that anymore," she said with conviction, her expression finally reflecting the loss she felt inside. "My crew is alive and no one innocent was hurt; that's what's really important though."

Kirk nodded. "Yes, but I've come to realize the ship is as much family as the crew is."

"Sure does feel that way most of the time. Does Madeline know?"

"I'm not sure," Kirk admitted, "but I'll contact Hikaru in a few minutes. After your demolition derby with the Klingons I thought it best if I didn't risk your wrath by not visiting you first…"

Sadara swatted him on the arm.


	3. The Debate

Sadara was discharged from sickbay the following morning. With the Aries lying in ruins back on that planet, she had little in the way of duties save for drafting up the necessary reports mandated by Starfleet Command. Dr. McCoy had instructed her to rest, but she felt compelled to look in on her crew and the Vulcan delegation. Before she could do that though, she needed a shower and an appropriate outfit so she paid a visit to her husband's quarters. Jim had Scotty program a second code into the door for Sadara's use when the Enterprise A first left Spacedock several years before.

Jim had visited her earlier that morning before his duty shift. Their daughter, Madeline had gotten word of what had happened to the Aries and had been understandably upset and worried, but she had calmed immediately after speaking with her father and chose to remain with the Excelsior rather than take leave to join the Enterprise for a visit. Her mother was in the best hands with both Dr. McCoy and Dr. Gannon looking after her recovery so there was no logic in breaking from her duties to visit her parents. She was a brand new Ensign and she wanted nothing more than to leave a good impression on Captain Sulu. She didn't even want to contemplate what her father would say if she didn't.

Entering the recreation deck, Sadara looked around. She expected some of her crew to be spending time here catching up with old Academy chums or getting to know their counterparts aboard the Enterprise. Upon consulting the computer however, she'd learned most had volunteered their time helping in various departments around the ship. The knowledge had filled her with pride.

She made her way through the rec deck looking for a quiet spot to sit and meditate for a short while. To her mild surprise she saw Vulcan Ambassadors Tokar and Sol sitting across from each other engaged in conversation and poised over a game of Kal Toh. They looked up as she passed and nodded politely.

A short while later, the game finished, Ambassador Tokar appeared soundlessly beside Sadara. Her peripheral vision alerted her to his presence and she dropped the two fingers she had steepled in front of her to look up at the towering Ambassador.

"Am I disturbing you?" His voice was quiet, gentle, but carried some authority.

"Not at all," Sadara replied, gesturing to the chair in front of her. "How can I be of service,  
Ambassador?"

Lowering himself gracefully into the chair, he steepled his own fingers in front of him much how Sadara had been posed a few moments ago. His deep, warm brown eyes lifted to meet hers.

"I wished to ask you some questions of a personal nature, if you are agreeable to such."

That caused Sadara's left eyebrow to shoot for her hairline. Vulcans typically did not pry into the personal affairs of others. For Ambassador Tokar to pursue it indicated a curiosity he found difficult to deny.

She studied him for a moment. For an Ambassador he was young and likely had just been promoted after having spent time as one of Ambassador Sarek's aides. Middle age didn't even seem around the corner for him.

"Proceed," she nodded finally. It normally wasn't her to retreat to such formality and brevity, but Vulcans tended to appreciate such qualities.

"I took the liberty of familiarizing myself with your profile and service record prior to boarding the Aries. I know that you are half Human. I am curious as to why you almost totally reject Surak's teachings."

"As Mr. Spock's accomplishments in the Vulcan tradition would indicate, I'm certain it is not beyond my capabilities to control my emotions. In my case, I do not believe it is necessary. I'm half Human and as such I believe it would be more detrimental to me if I were to try to "override" that part. For many species, humans included, emotional expression is a key component in maintaining one's health."

Leaning forward, Tokar nodded slightly. "You are half Vulcan as well and no doubt carry within you the more primal, volatile emotions of our race. Do you not recognize a need to at least learn the Vulcan mental disciplines necessary to restrain your more intense emotions?"

"You assume I haven't, Ambassador," Sadara returned with a slight smirk. "My mother and grandfather instructed me in many of the ways of Vulcans. I meditated just last night. There is much about me my profile won't tell you."

"Forgive me, Sadara, but your emotions have heavily influenced your life and your career. Two children out of wedlock, one whose arrival was so ill timed, she hindered your career goals. Logic as opposed to lust would enabled your goal to become a starship captain to occur vastly sooner."

Her left eyebrow started reaching for her hairline again, but this time her large, dark blue eyes held no amusement.

"I have no regrets; about Madeline or anything else I've done for that matter. My life has unfolded as it was meant to."

"Fatalism?"

This time the smirk did touch Sadara's full lips once more. "Realism… logic? I cannot change the past so what would regret accomplish? It is irrelevant that emotions have influenced my life and choices. What is done is done."

"Agreed, but you can always adjust your methods to make your future less turbulent."

For a moment, Sadara remained silent. She pondered that as she noted the sounds elsewhere on the rec deck; idle chatter, games being played…

"My question to you and perhaps many other Vulcans is… why is it so important that I embrace Surak's teachings simply because I am part Vulcan? Why is the Human way so much more inferior to the Vulcan way that I should be shamed into changing who I am and how I live my life?"

Tokar cocked his head at her quizzically as if the answer should be obvious to the woman sitting across from him.

"Save for the obvious emotionalism, your outward appearance suggests you are Vulcan; your ears, your eyebrows, your strength, your mental abilities, physiology… Because of this people expect certain behavior from you, particularly other Vulcans. All Vulcans are in certain ways "ambassadors" of our people. How you behave reflects all of Vulcan."

For an instant Sadara could almost feel her eyes turn hard as obsidian at that.

"So what you're saying is I shame us all by my emotionalism? You do realize my ears and eyebrows can be surgically altered if all of Vulcan is so threatened by my emotionalism? I'm all for the needs of the many…"

"Sarcasm is a defense mechanism," Tokar pointed out simply.

"I disagree; however my point is that it is illogical for billions to perceive threat to the general perception of an entire culture based on the actions of one hybrid. And shame is also an emotion. I would enjoy returning to your statement that sarcasm is a defense mechanism though. I find that interesting, but for a different reason. I would submit that Vulcan control is a defense mechanism. Have emotions become so embarrassingly difficult to endure that Vulcans can no longer bear to have anyone else witness them? I don't even think it's about control for control's sake. I think it's about the individual being able to hide in plain sight."

Tokar's eyebrows shot up in incredulity and what appeared to almost be offense. "Are you implying that Vulcans in general are cowards for not expressing their emotions? Have you not studied Vulcan history at all?"

This time Sadara leaned forward. "You can infer what you wish," she shrugged. "Whole groups of humans have worshipped deities simply because a few well respected men told a good story. Surak actually lived, but the whole of Vulcan adopted his teachings with few critics. The masses aren't always right and the popular teachings aren't always right for every single person. That's all I'm trying to say."

Finally Ambassador Tokar stood and bowed slightly in respect. "I see you are quite resolute in your convictions."

Sadara shook her head. "Perhaps somewhat. I would just appreciate seeing more Vulcans actually practice IDIC than preach it. Captain Spock and I are outcast enough as it is. We could use more support and less criticism."

Tokar nodded. "I will consider your words, Captain."

Inclining her head slightly as he moved passed her, his robes casting a slight breeze, Sadara looked up at him from her chair. "Should you wish to continue our conversation or test my knowledge of Vulcan culture, I would be agreeable to a game of Kal Toh at your leisure."


	4. Kal Toh

"I was informed you play Kal Toh," a very familiar, but not particularly deep, voice holding mild curiosity, stated behind her.

Swiveling her chair to face her visitor, Sadara cocked an eyebrow. "Ambassador Sarek. I see word of my chat with Ambassador Tokar has made its rounds. Yes, I've been known to play a game or two."

"My son prefers to play chess. I would appreciate a game of Kal Toh if that is agreeable to you?"

Sadara looked over to the abandoned, though now finished, game of Kal Toh at the nearby table the other Vulcan Ambassadors had recently vacated and nodded, standing. She gracefully made her way over to that table and sat, reaching out to reset the game. The pieces vanished momentarily and they reappeared in disarray whereas a moment ago they had been arranged in perfect order, creating a spheroid shape.

"I knew your great grandfather," the legendary Vulcan Ambassador said as he adjusted his earth toned ambassadorial robes and lowered himself in the chair across from her. Casual conversation was something he'd learned after many years of working with non Vulcans. It was his intention to relax Sadara somewhat by engaging her in more of a fashion she was accustomed to. "He was still in the service of Vulcan when I began my ambassadorial career and I had the opportunity to work with him on many occasions. He was a man of great integrity and logic."

Sadara nodded as she watched Sarek pick up the first rod and place it. She was certain that he would be a formidable opponent.

"Minister Kuvak was instrumental in protecting the Kir'shara from V'Las. From what I've been told he was the only one in the Vulcan High Command who questioned the command's activities, particularly where the Andorians and the Syrranites were concerned. Apparently he was quite… tenacious and vocal about his disapproval. He died the year after Madeline was born, but I remember spending much time with him during my youth."

A small, but warm smile touched her full, red lips as she reflected on the memories. "No matter how old or ill he felt, he seemed to always have the time and energy for his family. He even made a few surprise visits to Earth to visit me and my mother."

Retrieving a rod from the pile at the base of the game platform, she placed it across from the rod Sarek had placed and gave some thought to anticipating his next move. Having spent much time among other races, expecting him to approach this game without some unexpected moves would be illogical, especially when hoping to outmaneuver an experienced player who didn't rely solely on logic.

"I trust you are aware of Ambassador Soval's role?" Sarek cocked his head at her with curiosity.

"Naturally, however you brought up Minister Kuvak. Ambassador Soval was already dismissed from his position in the High Command by the time the Kir'Shara was found so technically at that point, Soval was not a member of the High Command. I know how Vulcans like to keep conversation focused and specific."

"Indeed. Tokar had an interesting thought about you earlier. He thinks perhaps you expect to be judged by Vulcans and have in essence created your own reality."

"Perceptions are real? I am familiar with the concept. It is a possibility. Vulcans are obviously difficult to read and admittedly I find that… unsettling."

That earned her a raised eyebrow from the serene ambassador as he contemplated his next move. The pieces were taking on a decidedly more organized, spherical shape though there were still many more pieces yet to be placed.

"You assume all Vulcans judge you and that they all must be thinking the same thing. Intellectually you know this to be illogical so why do you persist?

"Vulcans disapprove of emotional displays and actions based on emotional impulses. I permit myself that. Since I can't read Vulcans, I am not sure where I stand with them."

"Is it important?"

"In the long run, I would say no, likely not. I understand that Vulcans believe it is necessary to suppress all emotion in order to control them, but I don't think it really needs to be that extreme. Perhaps Vulcan emotions are more intense than Human ones, but I think, as with Humans, Vulcans can learn to integrate emotions and logic. "Controlled expression" of emotions seems a more reasonable goal. Everything in moderation as they say."

Sarek placed another piece and remained silent for a moment. "This more extreme version of emotional control, as you put it, is relatively new to Vulcan society. Minister Kuvak knew a time before the Vulcan Reformation when vocal inflections and more facial expression were slightly more commonplace."

"I noticed that about him as well," Sadara nodded. "But that brings me to another question I have about Vulcans. They can be so quick to point out the emotionalism and violence of other beings and yet it has been barely 139 years since the defunct Vulcan High Command turned to violence in an effort to eliminate the Syrannites. Pot meet kettle."

Sarek leaned back as he waited patiently for Sadara to make her next move. The hour had grown somewhat late and the rec deck had quieted a great deal since earlier in the day.

"So your objection isn't so much the Vulcan way of life, but the hypocrisy you believe permeates its society."

"I would say that's a fair statement. I still believe such strict emotional suppression isn't healthy, but unless I'm working with a client, it isn't my purview to comment on how others live their lives," she shrugged, before continuing.

"I find the Vulcan way of life to be devoid of many elements that make life worth living, but then I was raised in a culture that has different values than what Vulcan culture does. It is difficult to understand how one can find fulfillment in what they do, the relationships they have, and so on without emotional components. I can see how life decisions such as career choices can be made solely by logic, but friendships, marriages, relationships with children… those develop from sharing, often on a personal level. I don't see how sharing can be accomplished on logic alone. Sure you can share Surak's philosophy with me for instance, but that tells me about Surak and not you, other than perhaps you favor that philosophy."

The game was coming along well. Another several pieces and a winner would be decided.

"Have you ever experienced the Vulcan mind meld?"

Shaking her head, Sadara noticed that the ship's lighting had just been switched from day to night indicating that gamma shift had just taken over watch for the night. "My mother didn't feel she was experienced enough and I have not had other opportunities."

"I believe that many of your perceptions may be clarified by a mind meld with an experienced melder. Under normal circumstances I would not suggest such a thing, but as you did not grow up in Vulcan society, I do not believe attempting to explain the philosophies to you will convince you of why we choose to suppress our emotions. You are more likely to understand if you can experience the reasons through the eyes of a full Vulcan. I also believe you would benefit greatly from bonding with a Vulcan male. Vulcan marriages are not as devoid of closeness as you believe."

Placing the second to last piece, Sadara realized that Sarek would win this one, but she was rarely a sore loser and in the end it was irrelevant. While the goal was to be the player to place the last rod, the teamwork resulting in the finished sphere was ultimately what was valued.

"As I am currently married, that is impossible, but I shall consider it for later in my life. As for melding, I am open to it as I know of no better option."

Sliding the final rod into place, Ambassador Sarek stood, his tall frame towering over her and casting a shadow on the nearby wall. "Then if you will permit me tomorrow at a time of your choosing, I would be agreeable to the mind meld."

"I will let you know by 0900 hours, Ambassador."

The graying Vulcan nodded and swept out of the rec deck, his robes billowing behind him as his quiet footsteps faded in the distance, echoing in Sadara's thoughts and she leaned back in her chair and sighed.


	5. Of Mind Melds and Katras

Sadara had made her decision more quickly than even she would have thought. She could be impulsive about many things, but some things like Vulcan mind melds required more consideration on her part. She had chosen to meditate on the offer for a short while after returning to Kirk's quarters that evening, but had made her decision before retiring to bed. She left a message for Ambassador Sarek and then padded her way to the bedroom to change into a peach colored satin slip for bed.

She had taken her now shoulder length, dark brown hair down from the updo she always kept it in while on duty and brushed through it before tucking it behind her delicately pointed ears. A part of her ached for the long hair she used to have, but really long hair seemed to be for the really young. For a Vulcan, Sadara was still considered rather young, but as a starship captain the more mature, shoulder length, straight bob seemed more appropriate.

Hearing the door swish open in the next room, Sadara set the brush down and threw on a quick robe just in case Kirk wasn't alone. He and Spock were known to stay up and play chess into the late hours on occasion. Padding into the other room, she spied Kirk taking a quick peek at the remains of her things that had been recovered from the wreckage of the Aries. A fairly indestructible chest rested on the floor near the table that contained some treasured items such as her silver wedding dress. Sadara had opened it earlier that day to check on the items in it. The wedding dress had been cleaned and boxed properly after the wedding and had come through the crash landing of the Aries well thanks to the sturdiness of the chest.

Next to the box containing the dress was a small suitcase that Kirk knew contained some sentimental items from Sadara's relationship with Maxus Gannon; likely mostly some of the small baby items and pictures of their long dead son, Tobin who had died in infancy.

On the table were photo albums and a shoebox sized container. The container was unlocked and Kirk, curious and finally unable to resist himself, peeked inside. Archaic envelopes of varying colors peered back at him with familiar handwriting… his own. His bright smile widened with the confirmation of his suspicions and the realization of the extent of his own wife's sentimentality. Kirk loved antiques so the chance to write old fashioned love letters with actual paper and pen had been irresistible. Those letters though were pushing a quarter century old.

"Yes, I kept them," Sadara confirmed with a smile. She was relishing the slight look of chagrin on her husband's still handsome face as he looked up toward the doorframe of the bedroom.

"So this is where displaced starship captains stay?" Kirk joked, closing the lid on the box.

"Would Spock have had a leg to stand on should he have told me no?" She teased, then the humor in her voice faded to seriousness as she took in her belongings.

"It was difficult to decide what to take with me aboard ship as opposed to leave in the house on Earth. I felt more comfortable keeping these things with me though I suppose they are more prone to ruin on a starship. Still… they could be victims of a fire, an earthquake, and the like planetside."

Making the short trek to the food slot, the Vulcan/Human hybrid programmed up some black coffee for Kirk and hot chocolate for herself.

"I gather Spock let you off the hook early for chess tonight?" She said, handing him the mug.

Kirk took a sip and then set the mug on the table to his left. He reached for her mug and did the same with it, then tugged the robe off of Sadara's slim shoulders and returned it to the closet.

"Spock isn't here and I know how much you prefer only one layer of clothing."

Sadara glanced at the peach hued slip she wore. "Sorry, it's an old one I left here after the wedding. Most of my clothing was ruined in the wreckage."

"You look incredible," Kirk said, pulling her to him for a long, deep kiss. He held her for several long moments after the kiss ended, resting his cheek in her soft, floral scented hair. He'd come close to losing her and that scare had served as a reminder that every moment they had together was precious. And now their daughter was in Starfleet serving as an Ensign aboard the Excelsior which meant that Kirk not only had Sadara to worry about, but now their only child as well.

Pulling back, he gave her forehead a gentle kiss and then finally released her. He didn't say anything; he didn't need to.

"Ambassador Sarek and I had a rather interesting conversation about Vulcan philosophy earlier," Sadara said after a long moment. He's offered to mind meld with me in an effort to better enlighten me about why Vulcans have chosen the path of emotional suppression. I've decided to take him up on it."

Kirk's eyebrows lifted in curiosity. He was mildly surprised she would be open to such a thing given her anxiety around Vulcans.

She knew what he was thinking and put up a hand. "I'm approaching this with an open mind. I think. And maybe I'll learn something that will help the nervousness."

"You'll get no argument from me. I think it's a great idea."

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The following morning found Sadara Lochlan dressed in lightweight, flowing Vulcan robes. She favored comfortable clothes and most Vulcan clothing was exactly that; loose and lightweight. Due to the highly personal nature of the Vulcan mind meld, Sadara was asked to join the Ambassador in the VIP quarters, away from prying eyes and the hustle and bustle typical of life aboard a starship.

Pressing the door chime, she waited for the call to enter. The door slid open and Ambassador Sarek motioned for her to join him. They sat next to each other on the couch and Sadara faced him as well as she was able without resting a leg on the cushions. The lights were dim with a few well placed candles lit.

The legendary ambassador said nothing as he settled himself and reached out to her. His fingers were warm on her face as they found the meld points with practiced ease. The sensation was disorienting for a brief moment, but they both adjusted quickly. Knowing it was expected of her, Sadara lowered her remaining barriers. The more Sarek understood about her, the better able he would be to show her the answers to her questions.

For a few moments, they could both see images from the other's life as well as experience vicariously the tumultuous emotions associated with the experiences. Sadara registered some surprise at the intensity of Sarek's own emotions. She had previously believed his outward serenity had to a large extent been achieved easily from a naturally calm interior. Vulcans could be a mixed lot in some ways just as humans were. Some found it easier and more natural to master emotional control than others. She had pegged Ambassador Sarek for the former rather than the latter.

The scene shifted to life in ancient times on Vulcan around the time of Surak, the founder of modern Vulcan philosophy. Images of Surak himself appeared frequently and it took Sadara a moment to realize it because she thought the stories were just legends, but it seemed as if the legends were true; the katra of Surak had survived the millennia being passed down from generation to generation, usually through a descendent of Surak himself. Sarek was apparently the current bearer of Vulcan's most important living soul.

All around them, Vulcan civilization lay in ruins with still more warfare of the bloodiest kind being carried out as if the deeds were simply chores to be done. The ground was stained so green that Sadara was mildly surprised that what bodies of water Vulcan did have weren't running green. The loss of life as much as the lack of regard for life was truly staggering. She gasped at the horror scene in front of her, and then gasped again as another male voice emanated from behind her.

An older, white haired Vulcan male appeared beside her to her left and looked out over the cliff toward the craterous remains of what had once been a thriving city. The pitiful wails of men, women, and children filled the dry, hot Vulcan air.

"Something needed to change," the old man said simply. "Especially the Vulcan people and what they held dear."

"But isn't complete emotional suppression the opposite extreme, sir? Humans have a saying, "everything in moderation."

"Including warfare?" Surak returned curiosly.

"Of course not," Sadara said softly. "You know what I mean."

"I do. Vulcans are not humans, my child. Your difficulty in understanding Vulcans stems from your education and your more human upbringing. What does your education tell you about emotional suppression?"

"Among many emotional species such as humans and Betazoids, the bottling up of emotions, particularly ones such as anger, resentment, and grief, over lengthy periods of time can lead to physical ailments such as depression, migraines, stomachaches, and even heart trouble. Issues with social and career functioning are common as well. It all adds up to the suppression of emotion adding up to a whole lot of trouble. The pon farr has even been said to be much more intense since Vulcans began suppressing their emotions."

Sarek, to her right, spoke up for the first time since this aspect of the meld began. "This is why Vulcans have used such techniques as meditation. In many ways, Vulcans find the practice of such techniques to be as cleansing as the expression of emotion is advocated for among humans and other species. That is perhaps the most accurate comparison I can make."

Sadara turned toward him and pondered that a moment. "Alright, I can see that. However, that requires much skill and practice to attain the discipline necessary for the outcome you mention. Not all Vulcans may accomplish such adequately. I'd also like to point out that while emotional species all tend to have their troublemakers, most people have learned to express their emotions in appropriate fashion for the most part. Social behaviors are taught to children at a young age so they grow up knowing that in certain situations some behaviors are called or uncalled for. Vulcans are unable to achieve this middle ground? It must be one extreme or the other?"

Surak regarded her. "As I'm sure you're aware, Vulcan emotions are extremely intense. To allow even slight emotional expression would be to…"

"I think I see," Sadara said. "Moderation with emotion would be near impossible because a little bit leads to a lot. Like they say on Earth, "give a person an inch and he takes a mile. The Vulcan wouldn't know when to stop basically; much like some members of the Vulcan High Command in the 22nd century."

"Correct," Surak nodded. "Were it not that way, your perspective would be more applicable to the average Vulcan."

"But then I am not seriously out of control and I express my emotions…," Sadara said with a devilish smirk.

"You are half Human!" Surak and Sarek chorused together.

"Hey, it was worth a shot," she shrugged.

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	6. Walls

The mind meld had left Ambassador Sarek with some sense of accomplishment. Explaining that meditation cleansed emotions in Vulcans in a similar vein that emotional expression did for Humans seemed to click for Sadara. The dignified ambassador wasn't certain if she was completely convinced yet, but she'd opened her mind some and that was always a start.

Unfortunately, a sense of accomplishment wasn't all that Sarek had been left with after Sadara had departed. It had left him perplexed and somewhat unsettled. There had been one rather serious incident with a few Vulcans cousins of hers in her childhood that had been mean spirited and meant to hurt her and the spurts of uncalled for, yet unavoidable teasing about her human blood, but Sarek was convinced that wasn't enough to account for the rather acute anxiety Sadara seemed to experience around Vulcans.

There had been a part of her mind that had been walled off to him; a part that he was reasonably certain had not been closed off by Sadara herself. It had been pushed into the deep recesses of her unconscious. As a diplomat, Sarek had some training in psychology. It was necessary to have an understanding of the mind and behavior so he knew that with humans it was possible for an event to be so traumatic that the person could actually repress the memory and be unable to remember it. It was a defense mechanism of the human brain. But Sadara wasn't fully human and her physiology was mostly Vulcan. Someone else had to have walled off whatever memory that was. Perhaps a healer. And anxiety could stem from an event not fully recalled by the conscious mind. Many humans developed phobias as infants or young children without recalling the triggering event. A psychic imprint was left that signaled danger at the appearance of the stimulus. And Ambassador Sarek believed that was the situation here.

What the middle aged Vulcan wasn't certain of whether or not he should pursue it or leave well enough alone. If he was correct, the key to freeing her from her anxiety around Vulcans was behind that door. Research was needed. Perhaps there was something in the records and her past history that might yield some useful information. Sarek didn't know what he was looking for, but he was positive he'd know it when he saw it.

W^^^W^^^W

"I fear my father and I are to blame, Ambassador."

A few hours of research and with still no indication of what might be locked away in Sadara's mind, Ambassador Sarek decided to have a word with the parents. In this case, the mother, Solara responded. Brian Lochlan was out in the field training some StarfleetAcademy cadets. Sarek's eyebrows lifted slightly in surprise as he noted the woman's appearance. Sadara clearly favored her mother.

"My paternal grandfather has been a member of the Vulcan Isolationist Movement since my marriage to Brian. Sadara had chosen to finish her education on Vulcan when she was 22 years old and had taken up residence in my grandfather's home. Shortly after her arrival, my paternal grandfather, Sokal had her kidnapped during a trek to one of the nearby retreats. There he allowed my former betrothed, Sodan to use my daughter to slake his pon farr. My father and husband were able to locate them with the assistance of Vulcan authorities, but the damage had been done at that point."

Closing her dark blue eyes in painful memory, Solara continued. "At the hospital, Sadara was examined by a healer along with everyone else involved with her care. Because Sadara had the clarity of memory that Vulcans do, but lacking the practiced skill of most Vulcans to reach a point of psychological resolution with the events, the healer felt it was in her best interest to isolate the memory from her conscious mind."

Sarek steepled his fingers in front of him as he digested the information. Large, ornate rings with various gems of Vulcan origin decorated the long fingers.

"I encountered the block in her mind on unintentionally during a mind meld earlier. She is well otherwise. The reason for the meld was simply to clarify certain aspects of Vulcan life. Sadara's anxieties around Vulcans is troubling and I believe it stems from that isolated memory."

Solara's eyebrows knitted together in confusion. "But how is that possible? With the memory isolated from conscious mind, shouldn't the associated emotions be as well?"

"I am not a psychologist; however my understanding is the mind has many ways to heal and defend itself. While the memory is not part of her conscious mind, somehow her brain has still trained itself to register some alarm when she's around Vulcans."

Solara peered at him in thought. "Sounds more like something the human brain would be capable of. My husband fought against the block. He believed it would be better for Sadara in the long run to face it head on. Perhaps he was correct after all."

Sarek unclasped his hands and sat up straighter. "I thank you for your time, Solara. I am not certain what will happen next. I must consider the situation further."

"Understood, Ambassador. Live long and prosper."

With a nod, Sarek ended the transmission and sat back in his chair again. He was going to need the assistance of a few people that knew Sadara Lochlan best.


End file.
